[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall

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“Please stop being mean” – Me 3 seconds in to a rap battle


HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still


If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan….

She’s a keeper!


The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.


I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store


Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins


Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito


Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol


[breakfast in hell]

STALIN: Toast is burnt

POL POT: Eggs are rotten

HITLER: I hate the juice

STALIN: Oh here we go