SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
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Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean