SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
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i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
the clam before the storm
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?