Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
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This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*