doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
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Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”