[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
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Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Seems kinda suspicious
Good news
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.