I hate it when celebrities ask me to donate to some fund, you make 30 millions a movie & I make $30 a day. You send money.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
You Might Also Like
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
WINDEX CEO: listen, I can’t have you making puns anymore.
EMPLOYEE: okay, I just want to make things clear–
CEO: you’re fired.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
DATE: So what do you like to do?
ME: Enter hot dog breeding contests
DATE: You mean “eating?”
ME: *thrusting hot dogs together carefully* No
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
You had a flat tire on the highway? What was that like?
[cut to: me crying helplessly until AAA arrives]
Your survival instincts take over
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…