[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
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“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best