*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
You Might Also Like
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
I see your IQ test came back negative
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
We’ve all been there
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
New menu item
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.