Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
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landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
🍞🦆
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.