*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
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Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter