*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
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Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
😂💯
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…