*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
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The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
✌🏽
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw