*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
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Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.