Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
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any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.