@DrunksWithGuns

*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*

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@cambuslad

Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.

@markleggett

I just paid $4,000 to have a skywriter write “Actually, Vanessa, YOU’RE the one who’s being ‘dramatic’.”

@rakshesha

It finally happened! The flight attendant asked “is there a doctor on this flight?” and I leapt up and said yes!

Did a tracheotomy at 30,000ft with a razor blade and ballpoint pen.

He didn’t make it, but the thrill was undeniable. Thinking of going to doctor school now.

@PatsATweetin

Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?

@emilylime

The more exclamation marks I use, the more I’m lying: Miss you too girl!!! Yea I’d love to go to lunch!!!!! Sorry something came up!!!!!!!!

@RobDenBleyker

Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.

@MableGertrude

I have friends.

By that I mean I have pictures of me standing next to people on Facebook.

@ArfMeasures

Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot

Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance

Boss: It’s broken and does nothing

Me: shit

@Marlebean

You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.