Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
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Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
There are usually two types of merchants.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.