The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
You Might Also Like
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Me: can you stop playing?
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
ME: …crash course
-Come on, it’s time to go
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho