@AimeeHelene1

*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*

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@liliths_lair

The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.

@HeIsMaxBarth

If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them

@crunchenhanced

[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]

Me: do you take requests?

Him: yes!

Me: can you stop playing?

@TheToddWilliams

[movie casting]

ME: I’m here for the stuntman job

“Do you have any experience?”

ME: No, but I took a…

“Please don’t”

ME: …crash course

@Sanbel11

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

@CulturedRuffian

Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.

@HallpassCanada

Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.

@JermHimselfish

Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together

@itchyturtle

I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.

@Brampersandon_

ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho