*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
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Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one