*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
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Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?