*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
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“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
my astrological sign is a french fry
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.