(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
You Might Also Like
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.