(Seductively stripping out of clothes)

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

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bicycle cop: im taking you to jail

me [sarcastic voice]: should i ride on your pegs or walk next to you

[segway cop just dying laughing]


“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”

-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving


How to make your girl feel special:
1) Write down how you feel about your drink or drug of choice.
2) Put her name on it & give it to her.


Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.


A conversation between 2 vegans:

“I’m a vegan.”

“I’m a vegan too.”


“So…you’re a vegan?”

“Yes, I am a vegan.”

“Me too.”


Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?


A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.


I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years


So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.


dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall

some random cat: