@_Tempo11

Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair

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@Darlainky

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

@whereami18

Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee

@lindsaymills

It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.

@SortaBad

I’ve upped my game so now instead of buying women at the bar drinks I buy them a pony

@AaronFullerton

“Oh, don’t use that picture of me, honey. Please, I look so old in that one. You must have a better picture.” -Whistler’s Mother

@HenpeckedHal

Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”

@Holidayze

Apparently fat people in scooters despise being called a cripple-potamous

@fanofhell

guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine