*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
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Who needs an Air Fryer?
My ideal weight is five million dollars
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
This line from Airplane.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
get you a girl who
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.