*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
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Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.