*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
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Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Siri: Retweet me.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
God, I love Scotland
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.