The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles
Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles
Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
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“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet