*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

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SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?


SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…

SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it


“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”

haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?


my wedding cake gonna be an edible and im not warning anybody


I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do


*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost

[He gets lost]

*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number


JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that


DOCTOR: Well, I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

ME: Should I come back when you’ve sobered up?


lets play cops & robbers!
ok! i’ll be robber!
i’ll be cop!
*robber hides*
*cop just starts wrestling all the black kids in the neigborhood*


*God creating the rhino*

God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.


[15 years ago]

Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana


M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!