SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
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“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
my wedding cake gonna be an edible and im not warning anybody
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
DOCTOR: Well, I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking
ME: Should I come back when you’ve sobered up?
lets play cops & robbers!
ok! i’ll be robber!
i’ll be cop!
*cop just starts wrestling all the black kids in the neigborhood*
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!