*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

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Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.


I feel that it’s time to pick the kids up from school..so I’m going to lie down here for a while and wait for that feeling to pass


NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!


I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.


Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.


If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.


I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.