*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

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The life cycle of pickles:

Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles

Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles

Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles


Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.


“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”

– Karen


[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve


DON’T make this weird…

(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)


The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day


Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.

Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.


what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise


Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet