@thatdutchperson

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

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@TheToddWilliams

SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?

SCARECROW:Oh I forgot

SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…

SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it

@stuckinaportal

“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”

haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?

@just_kdot

my wedding cake gonna be an edible and im not warning anybody

@Kids_kubed

I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do

@sofarrsogud

*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost

[He gets lost]

*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number

@ArfMeasures

JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that

@ArfMeasures

DOCTOR: Well, I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

ME: Should I come back when you’ve sobered up?

@jonnysun

lets play cops & robbers!
ok! i’ll be robber!
i’ll be cop!
*robber hides*
*cop just starts wrestling all the black kids in the neigborhood*

@PinkCamoTO

*God creating the rhino*

God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.

@007Pepe_Rex

[15 years ago]

Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana

[Now]

M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!