“Head, shoulders, knees, and toes” is beautiful to hear in a children’s classroom – but not at the site of a plane crash.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
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me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
[making small talk at a business function]
“You’re 35 aren’t you?”
“No, I’m 38”
“Did you used to be 35?”
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
[trying to impress date]
HER: I really want to have children.
ME: [to waiter] Bring us your finest baby.