*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
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“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂