If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
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4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I think I’ll go to church this morning. I need to repent all my sins & pray for the neighbors wife to covet me.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
ME: I knew it!
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
*opens jar of wasps*