@krisv_723

*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*

*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*

- @krisv_723

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@dshack8

“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.

@ceejoyner

PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear

@NervousJr

Based on how many times I’ve dropped my phone, I’m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.

@jaggedape

Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…

Thank you for your time.

@thatsuperdad

Stranger: Sir your fly is down…

Me: Oh geez! Thanks.

*Bends down and picks up fly*

Me: He’s had some wing issues lately

@TweetsByKaylee

interview tip #86

be honest when asked about yourself

[later]

interviewer: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

@ValeeGrrl

5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.

@Lisabug74

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”

@jonnysun

PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]

@chuuew

As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.