*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*

*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*

- @krisv_723

You Might Also Like


“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.


PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within


Based on how many times I’ve dropped my phone, I’m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.


Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…

Thank you for your time.


Stranger: Sir your fly is down…

Me: Oh geez! Thanks.

*Bends down and picks up fly*

Me: He’s had some wing issues lately


interview tip #86

be honest when asked about yourself


interviewer: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present


5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.


My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”


PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]


As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.