*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*

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“Head, shoulders, knees, and toes” is beautiful to hear in a children’s classroom – but not at the site of a plane crash.


me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]

the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful

me: it can be


Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.




[making small talk at a business function]
“You’re 35 aren’t you?”
“No, I’m 38”
“Oh right”
[long silence]
“Did you used to be 35?”


I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?


“Get over yourself.”

*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog


Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—

My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us


My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.


[trying to impress date]

HER: I really want to have children.

ME: [to waiter] Bring us your finest baby.