*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
You Might Also Like
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
ME: I heard glasses make you look smart.
FRIEND: That’s true.
[LATER ON A DATE]
ME: (wearing 20 pairs of glasses) Who said that?
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.