*seductively winces due to lower back pain
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Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
🤣🤣💀
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.