Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
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age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
you cannot glue a tomato back together with tomato paste believe me I’ve tried
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
me: *lights cig* do u smoke?
girl: no, cigarettes killed my father
me: oh, cancer..?
her: no, an army of them, gunned him down
me: wait what
Group projects are the best
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*