@patnspankme

*seductively winces due to lower back pain

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@minealone6

Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin

@jonnysun

age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable

age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable

@walruslifestyle

you cannot glue a tomato back together with tomato paste believe me I’ve tried

@LizHackett

Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.

@DiscoFruit

me: *lights cig* do u smoke?
girl: no, cigarettes killed my father
me: oh, cancer..?
her: no, an army of them, gunned him down
me: wait what

@TheCatWhisprer

The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.

@heyitsJudeD

My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship

So I said I wanted a divorce

@TheRolo

Nurse: Where does it hurt?

Me: *Points to heart*

Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!

Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*