@Poutymcgee

See a penny pick it up…

All day long you’ll have….

A nagging feeling that the previous owner wasn’t a “hand washer”.

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@jrza84

Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat

@noog

Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job

@hbombmom

Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.

@MAKJ

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

@rikpayne

People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.

@B1gBrainsMcGee

I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars

@jjhartinger

Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea

@Laser_Cat

*leans out office door*

Susan, hold all my calls. I have a very important lunch.

*goes to desk and makes animal crackers fight each other*