See a penny pick it up…

All day long you’ll have….

A nagging feeling that the previous owner wasn’t a “hand washer”.

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Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat


Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job


Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.


Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream


People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.


I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars


Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea


*leans out office door*

Susan, hold all my calls. I have a very important lunch.

*goes to desk and makes animal crackers fight each other*