Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
See a penny pick it up…
All day long you’ll have….
A nagging feeling that the previous owner wasn’t a “hand washer”.
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Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
do horses think humans are hats
*leans out office door*
Susan, hold all my calls. I have a very important lunch.
*goes to desk and makes animal crackers fight each other*