See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
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exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
this is me
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.