@bingowings14

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.

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@TheRealPalMal

“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”

– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.

@yonewt

I hope this flight attendant noticed how promptly I returned my seat back and tray table to their full upright position.

@KeetPotato

[answers my phone]
“hello?”
hey it’s me, can you talk?
“since i was two”
no, can you talk now?
“do you hear words coming out my mouth?”

@soandrewyang

*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack

@felixoshea

If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.

@mynameisntdave

JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body

JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood

JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat

@cwhudson

BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day

@ibid78

[financial advisor] based on your income and savings you can retire at age 116
[me] *slips her $100* let’s make it 112
[her] now it’s 120

@faizziy

Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..

@McGrumpenstein

hear me out…

…lasagna-flavoured cologne

not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured

*licks wrists*