*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
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There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
“Theirye’re” problem solved
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
No one :
Me when I swimming :
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.