*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
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And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..