“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
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“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear