See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
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My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..