Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
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Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore