See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
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DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
I think my mom just blocked me
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
translated into Canadian
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…