@mom_ontherocks

See you guys when I get out of prison.

My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.

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@XplodingUnicorn

Me: *calls* How are my kids?

Grandma: We’re having so much fun

Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-

Grandma: Come get your kids.

@brianbowman73

Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.

@R_A_Dadass

My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.

@generaldietz

[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that

@Browtweaten

One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes

@ArfMeasures

[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*

HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*

ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*

@Henry_3k

As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.

@xLiserx

Putting all my laundry out on the clothesline so it smells like my neighbour’s BBQ.