See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
You Might Also Like
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Cake!!
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Thoughts
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing