‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
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Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Guys, I found it.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.