see you in hell you stupid fruit

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Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.


“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants


The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.


What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?

– inventor of the roller coaster


God: They shall remember your journey and your sacrifice.

Jesus: Thank you, father.

God: There shall be a bunny.


God: And chocolate eggs.

Jesus: But-

God: Shhhh. I’m enjoying my new creation, marijuana. Don’t harsh my mellow.


Cop: You know why I pulled you over?
M: Speeding?
C: No!
M: Not using my blinker?
C: No!
M: Because I’m drunk?
Cop: Sir get off the mower!


My pics are real.

I don’t use any filters.

I don’t even use coffee filters.

I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man


When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.


*sees baby*

*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*

*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*

*sadness evaporates*


*pushes you to the couch and latches on*

I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.

*pretends to eat your hair*