see you in hell you stupid fruit
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If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.