Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
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“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
God: They shall remember your journey and your sacrifice.
Jesus: Thank you, father.
God: There shall be a bunny.
God: And chocolate eggs.
God: Shhhh. I’m enjoying my new creation, marijuana. Don’t harsh my mellow.
Cop: You know why I pulled you over?
M: Not using my blinker?
M: Because I’m drunk?
Cop: Sir get off the mower!
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*