“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone

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Who’s the idiot that made it Killer whale and not Panda shark


COP: Know why I stopped you?


COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken


[School band tryouts]

ME: They say I have perfect pitch

TEACHER: Oh really? Show us what you got

*I throw a baseball right into the tuba*


I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.


I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie


Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds


I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.


Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered


The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.