@TheBoydP

“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone

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@DanMentos

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”

@samalmightysam

If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.

@bromanconsul

met the cutest girl today. her eyes were gentle, like the light from a phone screen and her smile glowed, like the light from a phone screen

@flashember

[trying to eat a pretzel]

the knot wizard hath defeated me again

@MattTheBrand

me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?

dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.

@4ScoreN20Bowls

robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe

giraffe: this is bullshit Steve

@sixfootcandy

[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.

@mrjohndarby

[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]

hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.