[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
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In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god