Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on

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*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.


me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉

her: are those empty


I Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m seriously hoping that she’s having an affair.


Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster

Therapist: go on

Me: oh so you’re taking her side now


I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?


[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]


flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me


me: dad how do i get a girl to like me

dad: be yourself

me: [barely leaving the house and not talking to anyone when i do] why isn’t this working


Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.