*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
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me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
I Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m seriously hoping that she’s having an affair.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
me: dad how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be yourself
me: [barely leaving the house and not talking to anyone when i do] why isn’t this working
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.