If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
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Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Reflections on this mirror appear uglier than they really are because of the erroneous standards of beauty set by our judgemental society.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!
ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
When I get home to find my wife naked in the tub, seductively asking me to “warm her up”, I dont waste a second..
to throw in a hairdryer
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.