[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
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My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
This is why I hate group projects
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.