Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
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Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
My husband and I were going to start trying to communicate better until we realized how horrible that actually is
Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
VAN GOGH: Go on, open it. You’ll like it. Much better than last year.
GIRL: It isn’t another ear is it, Vince?
VAN GOGH: what
Nobody gracefully gets out of a beanbag chair.
My doctor told me to get a lot of rest and fluids so I’ve been on a drunk rage in my bedroom since 1988.