@Ygrene

[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad

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@MrGeorgeWallace

If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away

@jackiembouvier

Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.

@RamblingMachine

Reflections on this mirror appear uglier than they really are because of the erroneous standards of beauty set by our judgemental society.

@TheRealPalMal

Me: I really like her. What should I do?

Friend: Give her the time of day.

[Later]

Her: Hey.

Me: It’s 2 PM.

@ArfMeasures

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

@Dmvm1977

When I get home to find my wife naked in the tub, seductively asking me to “warm her up”, I dont waste a second..

to throw in a hairdryer

@Beesthegame

“Can someone call me a doctor?!”

You’re a doctor.

“Please I’m losing my patience!”

You’re a terrible doctor.

@LifeUnPinterest

My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

@iwearaonesie

Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”

@leechee420

A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.