Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
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If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Planet of the Apps.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter