[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
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Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!