Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
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I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.