Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
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Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
What if the weather talks about us?
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Personal question. #JustSaying
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit