@ddsmidt

Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.

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@Iwriteforcats

Why doesn’t, “I have a headache!” work for when I don’t want to mow the yard?

@TheBoydP

I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.

Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert

@dave_cactus

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

@emoelwoods

My ex used to send me unsolicited nudes all the time. But now my new boyfriend always ask my dad for permission before he sends them, and he sends them to my mom too. Ladies, do not settle, your time will come and you will find the right man

@crownjuul

Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you

@Matt_The_1st

Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.

@ilovepie84

They say rabbits don’t have glasses because they eat carrots. They also don’t have thumbs. I like my thumbs so i don’t eat carrots.