I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
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My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die