Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
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grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
This is why I hate group projects
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is