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@GreenishDuck

You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien

@Steven37366100

Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*

Me: No good

Wife: Why not?

Me: Seems shady

Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*

@hythemafia

I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..

…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:

“This isn’t for me.”

@bestestname

We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.

@PoodleSnarf

I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

@VancityReynolds

Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.

@

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@DONTJIMMYMEJULZ

When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.

@skittle624

My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.

@connorratliff

The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.