Seems legit
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First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once