Seems legit
You Might Also Like
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.